Jeez

Ey what's the bizzness. Sitting here at LCC while Walt's Mom goes to a meeting. Been working on my EP a lot, if anybody's interested in hearing the first single "That's The Real" email me and I'll yousendit you an mp3 when we get done with it. Yeah I rap about weird shit like RC Cola,aliens oh and rural issues. Yeah but self-plugging is for lameos so let's get back to the main topic of this entry. The Diplomats. I fucking love the Diplomats!!! I know they have ridiculous lyrics and all that, but c'mon, life's too short. Their music is actually a lot more uplifting than your average conscious cats. I mean Cam's "Oh Boy" is one happy ass song. However I'm dickriding, what I was actually doing was posting about that Juelz Santana-Mic Check video. Musically it's standard East Coast soul-type shit but it's dope. Lyrically Juelz is on point but shit he usually is, he says some ridiculous shit but goddam it it's funny, and he's got a really goofy smile on his face through the whole thing. When did it become gay for rappers to be happy? Probably when the Mobb dedicated a song to "the real niggaz who ain't got no feelin's"

Summer RAP Music Update

Fuck that shit. I'm back.

Jin "I Quit"
The first thing I have to say is that for Jin to quit rap now is pretty fucking retarded. All he has to his name is a Ruff Ryders affiliation and ONE dope single that pretty much relied on his Asian-ness as a gimmick. I mean shit the man hasn't even put out a solid album yet. He's got crazy talent but all he does is talk about how he's Asian and how he's an Asian rapper and how he can still be an Asian and a rapper and still be a rapper and be an Asian. The track is nice though, but he needs to stop talking about how "he's come so far" and how "we built this empire from scratch". I mean I fucking forgot about him until this shit came out. What Jin needs to do is get on a track with Just Blaze or somebody, spit some rhymes that don't reference his ethnicity gratuitously, and put out an album and make it consistent this time. Hell he could probably get DJ Premier to do it now that he's been reduced to doing cut and pastes for dead rappers. BTW nothing wrong with that, Pop Shots was probably the best ODB track ever. Honestly though, Jin's got a lot of talent, he needs to not keep rapping, but START again.

Zion I "Birds Eye View"
This beat is quite nice, it's all deep and soulful and shit like that. Lyrically I guess it's dope but the whole comparing HipHop to a woman thing has been done almost as many times as that chick who played Elaine on Seinfield. Zion I's pretty dope though, the odds that I'll cop this album are pretty high compared to the odds that I'll actually have enough money to buy it.

Apathy ft. Poison Pen & Bad Seed "Philosophical Gangsta "
Well he ripped off Nas, but who doesn't. OH and I think he ripped off Doom in here somewhere too. However this beat is decent if not dope and the lyrics are hard and gangsta in a dope way. I probably won't buy this but I guess I'd say it's nice.

Summer Music Update

This summer is shaping up to maybe be pretty tight musically. There are a couple hot singles out right now that I'm feeling, and a couple albums that are probably going to be tight (10 The Hard Way,etc). Let's take a look at what I'm talkin about shall we?

Missy Elliot ft.Fat Man Scoop and Ciara-Lose Control
This beat is fucking sweet, and Scoop does his whole yelling thing. Missy does her whole rapping about how "really really hot" she is and I guess thats' cool, but I'm not listening to a Misdemeanor track for the lyrics. Oh and Ciara is on here, and she's really not that distinctive and is essentially another R&B chick with her first name as her alias (from the dude who's rap name is Big+his first name). However I get to think about Ciara when listening to her which is pretty sweet. Did you see that "Oh" video with Ludacris? Ohh shhhhhittttt

Public Enemy-Can't Hold Us Down
I can't front on PE, while they have some racist tendencies that I don't appreciate, lyrically and musically they pretty much changed the landscape of Hip-Hop.Beatwise this is dope I guess but it's not anything I would be like "ooh" about. The point is obviously the lyrics, and all the MCs come correct, but I got pretty pissed when either Kam or Paris said something about "crackers in cornfields". That shit is not cool, and all they're gonna do is alienate the rural hip-hop audience, which is a lot bigger than they think. I mean yeah I say cracker to describe myself and I am straight out the field but they didn't say "I got love for crackers in cornfields" it was about the opposite. Almost as bad as Ice Cube saying "redneck white trash chickenshit mothafucka", but c'mon that's the same man responsible for "Black Korea" and "Horny Lil' Devil".

And I would come up with some more but I'm lazy and haven't been back to the record store in like a month.

Oh..hello

Alright I feel the need to point out some things that are obvious at least to me.
1.I have Jimi Hendrix-Band Of Gypsys playing at an illegal decibel.
2.When asked any question with "Who?" in it the correct answer is Mike Jones!
3.I reheated some food a little while ago but it smelled really nasty so I put it back in the fridge
4.This means that any dumb bastard who eats it is eating re-re-heated food and doesn't know.
5.Whenever you can't think of what to say, recite some Shaq lyrics.
6.I got mad styles you better sit and watch/I can kick it like HEE HEE then I grab my crotch.
7.I have less than a month to save up for the next OutKast album.
8.2pac really is not the best rapper ever.
9.No,neither is Jay-Z
10.Saigon might be.
That is all. Thank you

Is This Legal?

1. Kai
2. Caden
3. Aiden
4. Michael
5. Aidan
6. Matthew
7. Joshua
8. Jacob
9. Jack
10. Daniel
That shit right there is the top 10 names for boys as of right now. Good fucking lord. Apparently the surveyors only went out to the fucking suburbs, because those are some burban ass names. Man it's almost like these parents want to label their kids as biskit yuppie latte drinking Hootie fan club members. I mean some of em are ok and normal but Caden? That sounds like what Ken Dog would name either his dog or his Dungeons and Dragons character. Unless his Dungeons and Dragons character is a dog,then he'd probably name him Doggo or something similarly retarded. And check it, back in the old skool your name would imply your function in society. Like Carter etc. So my theory is that psychologically Americans give their kids dumbass names like this, to designate to a "place". So for example of a kid named Caden and his buddy Kai are in a McDonald's next to a truck stop, and two dudes named Tanner and Hunter walk in, and Caden and Kai talk shit and Tanner and Hunter go Wu Tang on em, the police know who to arrest. But what about the inevitable burban kid who has White Burban Guilt and doesn't want to be labeled as such? Well that's where we get my newest social innovation, the....
Big Walt Give A Burban A Rap Name Foundation
Dedicated to giving burbans with White Burban Guilt a rap name with mad flava so they can bust crazy rhymes and never have to be labeled by their restrictibe burban ass names. Sponsored by Big Walt's Box That He Takes RC Cola bottles back in.
And how do you generate a rap name for these poor burban kids? The answer is simple. Take MC and then open a book about either prisons or the legal system. Then roll a dice and pick out the Xth word. Put that word after MC and voila instant rap name. So with my proposal Kai becomes MC Parole, Caden becomes MC Alibi,Aiden and Aidan after they get their collective ass beat become MC Jail and Gaol respectively, and all those other poor burbans with names like that can do it their damn selves cos I'm gettin tired of going through Walt's Mom's books. OH and an important detail, the more burban your name is the more gully your rap name needs to be. For example if your name's Michaia you need to think of the gulliest shit possible. Like MC I'll Kill Your Grandma With A Spork. I'm out.

Quite The Weakend

Sup homies. Judging by the title you probably assume that my weekend was weak. Well you'd be right. I got up on Saturday at like 10, and I forgot what I did but I'm pretty sure it involved watching TV at Ken Dog's house. Maybe we popped some Cristal with the Junior M.A.F.I.A. and went to Snoop Dogg's place to celebrate 2pac's birthday. Or not, I just told you I don't remember . However I remember after that we went to one of my dad's buddies' kids' open house. Now this is significant because 80% of the people there were from Cameroon. Which for my readers who "0n13 r33d b00k5 wh3n I=ub3r b0r3d" is a small ass country in West Africa. Those peeps were mad cool and gave me a bunch of free food etc. Then we got back to the crib and I uh slept. Then I got up mad early and went to the beach with Looney. Of course I had to Wu Tang like 3 burban dudes. The first one was frontin' on Looney which the Unatic responded to with "F*** off you burban f*****!". Classic. Then this dude was peepin' my rural threads and started laughin at me so I ahem informed him of where I'm from and he actually got up and left. THENNN Looney and I were chillin' with some ice cream and this guy walks by and is like "queer". Walks by again "queer", walks 2o feet turns around and yells "QUEER!" so I get a bit ticked and say "Looney go get the Uzi" and this dude takes off RUNNING. That too was sweet. So then I walk in to get some more ice cream and these 14 year old blonde girls behind the counter decide to try the flirting routine they read in Cosmo Girl. How do I know? Because I read that issue dumbass. Yeah it was pretty corny and I kept looking around to make sure WB wasn't filming. Ah well maybe tall white/native dudes in rolled up blue cordorouys and tami hats aren't all that common in the west Michigan suburbs. That shit got old real fast and even though they were hot I usually like my women a bit older. Like 18 older. So after we got tired of burban ass white dudes trying to act gully and intimidate us we decided to return to the Redneck Ghetto and blast some Kardinal Offishall (do not sleep!).

Errata From The Masta

Alright there are a couple things here in this post, so it's kind of like three miniature posts.
Ok the first one is that I just watched Boogeyman with Real Big Walt and Walt's Mom and it was absolute shit. It somehow managed to rip off like three hundred movies and still blow, even if most of the movies it ripped off blew as well. Hint to filmmakers: If you want to make a serious,suspenseful, or at least middle skool level horror movie DO NOT RIP OFF MONSTERS INC. Good lord dude steps into a fucking closet and pops out of another one in another house. I half expected someone to yell "Mike Wazowski!". Honestly enough what I think we have here is another Spooky Little Kid movie. This breed of film has its roots in slasher movies and suspense type shit like Psycho, but was truly brought to the forefront with The Sixth Sense. Now the Spooky Little Kid movie usually features a child or several children who are "sensitive" and "intelligent", and are "aware" of shit in the supernatural world that adults aren't. Actually I think that last part has its roots in Frosty The Snowman. Anyway all this crazy shit happens to these kids and adults don't believe them until they themselves grow up to be adults, meet a kid who's going through the same thing and help his lame ass out, and he/she and the kid confront the terror and silence it forever blah blah blah. Examples of this kind of movie include Sixth Sense,They,Darkness Falls,Boogeyman,Bless The Child,and Gothika to a lesser extent. Now on to the next thing. Now on my LiveJournal that I'm pretty much done with 'cause it sucks some girl posted that she wants to have all my babies. This isn't anything out of the ordinary of course but the girl left her phone number and it is 269-387-6000. So all of you desperate dudes out there here is the number of a slutty girl with no self esteem. Oh and she can't spell/read for shit so if she tries to file a paternity suit she'll probably spell your name wrong and end up juicing some 74 year old dude from Vermont or some shit. Bizzah! You're welcome. And alright this is the last thing for today/night. Today Looney and I were at Meijer to cop some Oreos and RC Cola, and whilst obtaining said Oreos the Loon' was standing in an aisle for a brief time that some chick with her 2-3 kids were walking through. Of course she can't just wait for his 11 year old ass to "Get Out The Way", she has to give me a dirty ass look. Of course my first thought was "Ey he's not my kid, not all of us go to lamaze classes before drivers ed." but I stifled it and kind of gave her a half-smile. So after she went on her way to buy some 79 cent shampoo and the new Ja Rule album (Ja Rule's album sales have proven to consist mainly of either poor white chicks or Irv Gotti buying them back. Murda!) Looney was all "Damn dude what was that chicks problem?" and I replied "Now Looney if you were in 10th grade and had three kids you would probably make faces at 14 year olds who didn't too." Then I kind of felt bad for making of single mothers and went conscious on him for a couple minutes. So the moral of the story is that I'm kind of a Jekyll and Hyde between making fun of everybody and being a man of the people. The latter usually wins however. But c'mon a 10th grader with three kids? Cracker please

Age Discrimination?

Alright homies, I've been checking some other blogs, and I'm starting to notice some backlash against old people, expressing joy that they drop like flies in the summer etc. Now I can understand that old people are often culturally backward, racist, tactless, and um ill-odored but think about this: They only have like 20 years left on this rock or some shit, why should they change now? It actually be pretty sweet to be able to walk around and do whatever the hell you want in the most retarded outfit ever concocted, talking shit about everybody, and having it all forgiven and forgotten because you're some old retard. These people have pretty much spent all of their lives so far living by society's expectations and by now they're like "fuck it" and do whatever, which I'm not happy about, but again we have only 20 odd years of these dumbasses left anyway. And you can bet that when I'm 89 years old I'm going to walk around the retirement village with Enter The Wu-Tang:36 Chambers blasting out my boombox with my hat on backwards saying "Yo that's fresh" etc. And there will probably be some new jack 14 year old tardo posting on his virtual reality video blog about how rap sucks and Nu-Polkaclash is tHe ShHiZnIzLe or some shit. And I'll be like "you know what fool? I'm only on this rock for 20 more years, so I'm gonna live it up! Wu-Tang! Wu-Tang! Wu-Tang!" Then I start breakdancing and bust my hip. My mom just pointed out that if you're 89 you've only got like 3 years left. Life expectancy for my generation is higher dumbass. Well unless we all exstacy and meth ourselves to death, and where I live that seems plausible. So in closing, leave old people the fuck alone, they're actually kind of nice as long as I hide my hair under a hat and say that I listen to Lawrence Welk. And they'll pay you a shitload of money for doing almost nothing. Oh and my mom apparently thinks I can be "edgy and hip" without calling her a dumbass. Sorry mom.

To Recruit Or Not Recruit?

Alright well looks like I'm going to take a break from rapping along to "The Chronic" in the mirror with my hat backwards to actually talk bout something borderline serious. Now I've noticed that there's been a lot of controversy over whether or not army dudes should be allowed to walk around high skools um recruiting for the war and shit. Now my first thought was to relate my own experience, which is pretty much just gumpy guys in uniform walking around Redneck Ghetto High Skool being lame and hitting on high skool girls. I mean I'm not trying to talk static about em but if they're not overseas blowing holes in people and are chilling in one of the smallest skools in Ingham County looking for dudes to blow holes in people they can't be the best of the best. I mean standing around handing out flyers to impressionable redneck ghetto youth can't be that hard. Economically cats from rural areas and the inner city are pretty much fucked, their skools are shitty, and aside from getting a scholarship and going to college their options are "Takin trash out and toilet bowl cleanin'" to quote Cee-Lo. So a job that requires no education,pays well and involves LEAVING the actual/redneck ghetto sounds pretty sweet because it IS. Whether or not I agree with the war,the government,or the exploitation of my people (which this definitely is) is irrelevant. I understand a lot of liberal skool teachers have been popping shit about how the youth don't "understand what could happen" and how the recruiters are "misinforming" them. Ok right there you have predjudice. These teachers are assuming that inner city blacks and hispanics and rural whites are ignorant victims of circumstance that because of the Conservative Media believe that all they're going to have to do in the Army is play video games and eat Doritos,and that the Liberals have a Duty to Humanity to protect the stupid poor kids from the Big Bad W. This is total bullshit. Unless the Army is recruiting from a special kid skool anybody they're talking to knows that if you go in the Army during a fucking war you might get shot. Whether a dude is from the projects or the 'field the odds are he doesn't sit in his house watching TV and being brainwashed all day. No he's probably too busy either working to support his family or busting his ass to do well in skool so he can go to college and get the hell out of wherever he's from. When he enlists in the military he's making a conscious decison to maybe put himself in danger for the good of his family and his country. I've got mad friends in the military right now, and it pisses me off to hear liberals talk shit about recruiting because it makes my homies sound like deceived idiots. Well guess what we aren't. The left needs to check themselves before they start trying to speak for people who they've never seen and would roll up their car windows if they drove past. Now this isn't to beef with liberals in general, 'cause I have a lot of liberal friends, it's the people at the top of the liberal establishment. In the United States for the past 20 years 1600-2300 minors have been murdered every year. It took the Iraq War roughly 2 years to reach a body count that high. "If you under 21 stayin' alive's hard work"-T.I. I'm not saying that I'm for the war,or for young poor dudes fighting it. I'm actually really against it. All I'm sayin' is that if anybody's gonna bitch about recruiting of lower income youth, it should be lower income youth. Not people who sit in their huge houses in the suburbs and complain for us. That's bullshit. They can bitch in their blogs and underground newspapers as much as they want about our "struggle" but that doesn't mean we'll magically stop being poor and discriminated against. Get your Agro Fists up!

Well I Guess I Should...

Hm after recent events I guess it seems like a good idea to post some sort of disclaimer for my blog. I don't want to offend anyone....tee hee. Alright first off this blog is not fit for
A.Anybody with an IQ below their shoe size
B.Small Minded Bigots
C.Easily Offended Political Correctness Tards
D.Lame Girls (tm)
E.Dumbass Guys
F.My Mother
Also, if you are in any of those groups aside from my mother, don't a.comment in here or b.come up to me in real life and start giving me shit about what I choose to post. Guess what fuckers, I'm going to write whatever I want. It's the Walt Report mk? I'm not breaking any laws here and all the kool people who read thissere shit know that anything remotely insensitive I say here is a goddam joke. Alright? So from here on out if you are an undesirable DO NOT READ POST IN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE WALT REPORT. Thank you

This is Awesome!

Guess what I just found out? Not only is my blog the only good one coming straight outta da Redneck Ghetto, if anyone in the Skool District tries to go to a blogger site this shit pops up! Take that bitchezzzzzz!!!! Oh and on that chick from the last entry, apparently one of the dudes she was seen at the club with was a drug dealer. Wow...hopefully this isn't another instance of burban honor students fucking around with dope slangers to try and be "cool". The chick's parents said she was careful and dependable,which is exactly why she goes to clubs with drug dealers in other countries. I mean Aruba has a fuckin low crime rate too, the Redneck Ghetto has had more murders in the past 3 years than it as. We're a small ass town and Aruba is a whole country. But I digress.

God Help Those Teenage Girls

Alright so I'm chilling in the Redneck Ghetto High Skool library reading the Languishing Stale Urinal when I come across a story about this chick from Alabama who disappeared while on her senior trip to Aruba. Now my first thought was that this chick was fucking hot. The second thought was "Oh they have a picture of some black dude getting arrested". Hmm it seems like every time a suburban white girl (who's damn fine) disappears the cops find a black dude to arrest right quick. But I'll stop bitching. Anyway this chick was apparently with some local cats at a nightclub before they dropped her off at the hotel. Alright I'm not one to judge but when my homeboys went on their senior trip from Redneck Ghetto High Skool they were in the goddam hotel by 12 and the teachers put tape on the doors so they couldn't leave. Now of course this chick is 18 and a legal adult in the US so she obviously can do what she wants but still I mean c'mon going to a nightclub in another country with 3 dudes you've never met before when you're that age and from the Burbs isn't that hot of an idea. Hell if she wanted to go to a culturally foreign place and chill with some dudes she had never met before she could take a plane to fucking Michigan and disappear with me! Hoo-rah. Not to be insensitive to the girl's family or anything but c'mon she was kind of being a retard by being out that late by herself anyway. But some of it is also on the skool people for not keeping a better eye on her 'cause c'mon teenage girls from the burbs are not notorious for their "street smarts". However in closing I hope they find her and shit and that she's not hurt or anything. I also hope we go to the same college......