Johnny Rocket's Sucks

I am Spam 

Word to Big Bird. Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, Walt's Mom has a habit of turning my internet off for inane reasons whenever I leave the room,take a shower,go to the store,turn off the monitor etc. Jeez. My last post was going to be a review of The Devil's Rejects that I accidentally saw after buying a ticket for some other lame PG-13 shit and "getting lost" on the way back from the bathroom. Needless to say it was a pretty slick movie,but for some reason it's getting mad heat from the critics. However the majority of said critics are Lame Girls so it doesn't matter. On the real though, I wouldn't reccomend it to any Lame Girls,bebbies,squeamish individuals,or people who listen to Focus On The Family. As a matter of fact that latter group should unplug their computers immediately. They would probably try to ban it or something. Otherwise though anybody who doesn't suck should enjoy it. Aaanyway back to the main topic of this post,Johnny Rockets. Every year since I was roughly 7 or something I've attended an annual Christmas musical or whatever with Walt's Mom,my aunt etc. And every fucking time we've eaten at Johnny Rocket's. Now for the first couple years I was all about it,because being an impressionable bebby I assumed that all restaurants other than McDonald's (and other fine establishments of its ilk) had crappy service,retarded waiters and food that took so long to get to you that it was decomposing by the time you ate it. I also assumed that it was normal to have a line of 20+ people around the block trying to get into a place where all the tables were empty and the people who were supposed to be seating us were fucking around and coming back every 10-20 minutes to say "Ok I'll be right with you". And when my aunt as always brought the ruckus and actually got us seated the waiters would get all uppity and intentionally take a long ass time to get our food etc (Not like they were sprinting in the first place). I'm not sure when I stopped being a bebby and figured out that Johnny Rocket's sucked,but I've got a feeling that it somewhat coincided with discovering that people who didn't speak English were NOT aliens. So of course for the past couple years (1-2) I've suffered in silence and eaten my cold ass food in a crowded noisy ass restaurant before sitting through like 2-3 hours of blah blah Christmas blah. Christmas is cool and everything but for some reason watching a musical about it while your body digests overpriced food that you spent more time waiting for than eating Sucks. So obviously what I'm going to do next year is chill at the crib with a 2 liter of RC Cola and a jumbo microwave burrito and watch the OutKast-Player's Ball video,followed by Black Christmas (the first slasher movie,which predates Halloween by about 3 years). Now that's a Big Walt Christmas. Aaanyway so in essence,I want all of my loyal readers to walk into the nearest Johnny Rocket's and scream "BIG WALT SAYS JOHNNY ROCKET'S SUCKS!!!!!!!!". Maybe it'll stop sucking eventually. That is all,thank you.

Is Paul Wall The Eminem Of The South?

I was watching some rap videos in my grandmother's geezer project apartment the other day,and Mike Jones-Still Tippin' came on. Now admittedly I have a weakness for corny Southern rap, and I really do like this song,but Paul Wall's appearance and verse on it made me think: Is he being marketed along with Mike Jones and Slim Thug etc as an artist,or as a marketing ploy to capitalize on rap's huge white audience as many claimed Eminem was? When you put the situation in perspective it makes almost perfect sense, a couple years ago when Em first came on the national scene traditional NY-centric (though blinged out) rap was in control. Southern rap was popular but not at the huge all encompassing level that it is right now. Of course these "Northern" records were being bought in huge numbers by White kids, but corporate America was looking for a way to further capitalize on both Hip-Hop as a culture and the largest buying power in the country,suburban White teenagers. Next thing you know,Eminem comes on the scene rapping about hating his parents,popping pills, and slitting his wrists,making him the "Marilyn Manson" of rap. All of a sudden he's the highest selling rapper in the world, and even White kids who don't listen to any other rap are buying his records. So in effect Eminem was utilizing the method of rapping over traditional Dre beats,but he was ignoring the *culture* of Hip Hop,rapping about White suburban teenage fantasies/issues and ignoring traditional topics such as poverty,violence,police brutality,and such which would have made a good part of his audience "uncomfortable".
It's pretty much redundant to type this here now, but some of you may not have read the hundreds of rap articles saying the same thing so I included so that you'd know what I was talking about later. Anyway,Eminem also maintained rap's traditional urban audience by being from "Detroit",surrounding himself with Black rappers and being "affiliated" with Dr.Dre. So not only was he a suburban "everydude",he also was a "down" White boy from the "hood",meaning that he appealed to both markets. I remember Eminem being THE shit at Redneck Ghetto Middle Skool back in the days,with everybody rocking his jams and memorizing his lyrics. (Though that's almost moot because the Redneck Ghetto is rural,NOT suburban)
Of course after "warming up" suburban America to the idea of rap,he introduced it to 50 Cent and G-Unit who also ended up being some of the highest selling rappers ever. (It is important to note here that while suburban America had been listening to rap since Straight Outta Compton,it was nowhere near on the level which Eminem took it to.) Rap's total dominance over the charts and airwaves (in most situations) at this point can essentially,in my opinion, be attributed to mainstream White America having an "inside man" in Eminem.
Anyway,fast forward to 2005. Southern rap is the predominant form,with MTV,BET,and even Fuse being flooded with gold teeth,reeums,dubs,and cats from the Dirty Dirty getting "crunk". Just about every neighborhood has kids booming some Lil' Jon or currently Mike Jones booming out of their car speakers,and even 10 year olds are yelling "YEAH!!" "WHAAT!!!" and "Who? MAYAKE JAWONES!!!". The only East Coast rapper who's still hugely popular is 50 Cent, who as Saigon observed "rhymes like a Down South cat" anyway. Eminem's last album was absolute shit, and he's pretty much lost hold of the traditional hip-hop audience after the racist freestlye scandal. So obviously,Hip Hop is without a White superstar,and the new market of Southern rap has eclipsed East Coast rap almost completely.
Enter Paul Wall. Surrounded by Black affiliates,and the embodiment of Southern rap (gold grill,auto-centric lyrics), he seems to be perhaps the new Eminem of the South. The differences between the two of them are obvious,but I believe the paralells of the two have been laid out. Paul may end up being the highest-selling Southern rapper ever,and maybe we'll see a White West Coast rapper or even Ragga "deejay" someday. This is not to discount Paul Wall as an artist,I like him a lot and will probably buy his album. From what I've heard he's quite important to Houston rap and I've enjoyed all of his underground work that I've heard. This article is more of a statement on what corporate America may do to him. I also must give credit to Charles Chea, his article "Poor White Boys and The Future Of Hip Hop" and the email exchange between the two of us that ensued after I read it contributed majorly to my thoughts on the subject. Peace

Album Review:The Iron Fusion EP

Ey what's up homies. Still getting the hang of this Hello thing,it's not as ghetto as I said it was,although it's not without its idiosyncrasies. Sorry if those last two posts were off kilter,they were really just an excuse to put a picture of Eva Mendez on my blog (like I need one). Anyhoo back to the main point of this entry,my homeboy David Etheridge's Iron Fusion EP. When he first told me about the idea of putting Ghost acapellas over unreleased Madlib beats it pretty much made perfect sense,being that Pretty Toney and Madlib share both an affinity for soul music and well...general weirdness. Another point is that Ghost's flow sometimes goes in a different time signature,as do some of 'Lib's beats. Needless to say I was running out to my mail every day like Brand X waiting for "Adult Anime" waiting for this shiznit to arrive. So of course when it got from NY to the Redneck Ghetto my first reaction was making sure nobody slipped any anthrax in it or some shit (scared-of-their-shadow xenophobes for a stronger America!). THEN I went "Sweet" and took it out to the chicken coop and put it in my ghetto stereo (seriously I need to post a pic of that thing). As we goooo......
1.Intro
Some sort of cartoon kung fu movie skit thing. Sounds like one of those interludes on Madvillainy. It's not annoying or anything but I can't really rate it, I mean how do you judge an intro?
2.Mighty Healthy
This track is slick,a nice laid back chill joint for Ghost's maniacal flow to ride over and sometimes even disregard completely. Pretty repetitive but I'm not complaining,as it's repetition of dopeness. However it never switches up so I'm gonna leave it at 4 out of 5 Snickers Bars.
3.Run feat. Jadakiss and Comp
Thought number one:awshit Madlib's done it again, a Pink Floyd sample. The main loop is simple but dope,and the inbetween skit things with the fellas talking are matched up perfectly with the chorus sample. I think this is from the song "Money" but I'm not sure and am too lazy to look that shit up anyway. This track is mad nice and because of the whole talking-chorus thing it does indeed recieve the coveted 5 out of 5 Snickers Bars.
4.Daytona 500 Interlude.
This is an interlude. Thank you. That is all.
5.Holla
This is probably the best track on the whole shit. It's pretty much perfect how the beat matches up to Ghost's vocals,with a vocal breakdown right when Toney Tanna starts going all crazy in the second verse and scream-rapping. The beat in itself is typical of Madlib's 80s soul sampling work in that its fuckin' SLAMMING. Pretty much another slowed down chill joint aside from the whole "Angry crippled man don't push me" thing. 5 out of 5 motherfuckers.
6.Ms. Fat Booty part II feat.Mos Def.
Number one:This is actually a Mos Def song but eh Number Two:This marks the first time I have typed the word "booty" in thissere Walt Report. The fact that I've managed to go like several months without doing so is pretty special, I mean I should get a birthday cake or something. This beat is nice,and duh the lyrics are too for typical let's-rap-about-girls fare. 4 out of 5 Snickers Bars.
7.Save Me Dear.
Ok this is the first beat that I thought was annoying. It's not annoying in that it pisses me off it's annoying in that it barely switches up and the dude singing in the background is lame. Ghost's vocals fit over it pretty well though so it Saves it from being less than 3 out of 5 Snickers Bars.
8.Tooken Back (Interlude)
Kids look up to me like a skyscrapa.
9.Never Be The Same Again feat.Carl Thomas and Raekwon.
Tracks with Ghost and Raekwon are slick to begin with, and this shit's no expception. Once again Dave matches up the perfect beat for this song and it sounds like that's the way it was made originally. 4.5 out of 5 Snickers Bars.
10.Apollo Kids
Ahh Apollo Kids,the song that made it (in my own mind) acceptable to yell "STRAWBERRY KIWI!!!" randomly out of car windows throwing up the W. This beat is nice as hell as is the norm on this EP,and it actually changes up a couple times,which is a nice effect. 4 out of 5 Snickers Bars.
Overall this was an excellent listening experience,Ghost and Madlib go well together and the mixing and such is excellent. However there's no album coherency whatsoever but eh it's a blend/remix thing anyway. I'm not gonna give it an overall rating because figuring the actual musical quality involved into the slickness of Ether's blendin' skillz would be difficult and Big Walt's brain is too tired right now. Email him to see what's up if your one of my 2-3 readers that don't go to skool with me. If you do go to skool with me show up at my crib with a 2 liter of RC Cola and some moon pies and we're straight.

and apparently this motherfucking picture didn't send the first time. Jeez this Hello program is ghetto. 

What's up homies,sorry for my absence,I've been busy as ever working on my EP and drinking coffee. As well as helping my grandmother move into the world's gulliest senior housing unit. This right here is pretty much just a check in with all of you so that y'all know I didn;t abandon you or something horrible like that. Oh and apparently referring to eating disorders as natural selection is "insensitive". Same thing with making up songs about girls that die from it "She ain't gonna whine no more no more,she ain't gonna whine no more" Seriously....some people need to just lighten up. Well looks like I gotta go to my cousin's birthday and be a food leech. Peace 

State Of The Hip Hop Union.

I'm currently watching the new Three Six Mafia video...and there's a dude in it wearing bug glasses.... That's interesting. And when Lil' Wyte calls himself a "cracka" they bleep it out. I find that interesting, and while I'm not a huge fan of Wyte (or most "crunk" rap for that matter) I think it's mad slick the way Hip-Hop is linking communities like that. Some seriousness is happening here folks. From Murs and Slug rocking it to NORE and that one dancehall dude making a track together, Hip-Hop is bridging mad gaps. Ok next up is Fat Joe-So Much More. Damn dude this is fire. Cool and Dre are definitely improving and steppin' their game up. After Hate It or Love It and to a lesser extent New York with Gay Rule I'm actually looking forward to hearing more of their shit. Fat Joe too has SERIOUSLY stepped it up since bullshit like "Flow Joe". Haha another funny thing involving Cooked Crack, a dude my cousin knows from Ferndale went to a prom in a town really close to the Redneck Ghetto and was horrified by the fact that everybody actually leaned back when they played "Lean Back". And another note,Remy Ma isn't hot enough to dress like that. She's an ok rapper I guess,but she kind of can't do the whole you know what rapper thing like Trina who's I don't know 800x better looking than her. Related to the whole prom thing, researchers at the Big Walt Institute Of Geography are considering expanding the Redneck Ghetto to include where I live and all of the surrounding towns and rural areas,because of cultural similarities and such,being that we have the same issues. Let us know about that. OH and they're making another DITC album!!! Hoo-rah, no Diamond D. though,that definitely sucks ass.

Country boy'll tell ya I'm fittin ta blow!

Guess what bitchez?!? Ya boy Big Walt got interviewed by Byron motherfucking Crawford! Peep game. Other than that I've pretty much been sleeping all day,my 3 year old cousin went off in Burger King today at lunch, and some gentlemen not of Amerikan origin took it upon themselves to stare at us. I mean I guess I was pissed at the time but looking back shit I would have done the same thing. I almost wished I was one of those dudes at the time,them little kids are mad annoying. Almost gave em the cardboard box (with airholes natch) on shelf treatment. Yeah I pretty much have nothing today,you know me. However my man David Etheridge has a blend project out where he mixed Ghostface Killah acapellas over unreleased Madlib called the Iron Fusion EP. It's crazy slick, email him to see what's up. And I'm out like Bill O'Reily's "factor" in front of Andrea Mackris.

A Study In Fame:Video Hoes Are Expensive

Hmm what's going on. Sorry I haven't posted in a long ass time, I've been busy drinking RC Cola out of seashells with Giselle Bundchen in my highrise. Speaking of that I may be getting a low-rise ghetto apartment in downtown Redneck Ghetto after high skool if my cracker ass doesn't get a scholarship to State or something. Then I'll probably give Ken Dog a sublease if a similar thing happens to him. Anyway the main focus of this post is to provide a study in rap stardom. Now what's one thing famous rappers do that both gives them the most recognition and the most bad public image? No you retards not getting arrested (Gucci Mane and Cassidy are you listening?),videos! These orgies of firearms,reeums,dubs,scantily clad women,forties and dudes with gold teeth and fitted hats can be easily located by any impressionable low-income 8 year old with parents with cable and a remote control. Of course Ken Dog and I watch these things to no end in his basement out of boredom and after a thorough saturation of all of this evil sick perversion of reality I feel I am correctly equipped to explain to all of you what a Video Ho is. Now a Video Ho is a woman of any background in a rap/dancehall/grime/polka video with almost no clothes on acting in a sexually suggestive manner dancing around either the rapper in question or one of his Video Homies (I believe XXL has a monthly section dedicated to Video Hoes) . A Video Homie is a random guy in Hip Hop clothes standing around nodding his head or poppin' cris in a rap video. Now I haven't been able to discern the origin of Video Homies yet, I assume that they're either dudes the rapper went to high school with or similar to Video Hoes in that the video director goes out and hires them. (Mental note:google for Video Homie application). So Video Hos are usually hired by the video director as "dancers" (yeah fuckin' right). An example of one girl's climb from normal girl from the hood to Video Ho can be viewed in Honey with Jessica Alba which was supposedly an actual movie. Hawl naw it's definitely a Video Ho training film. (You too can wildly gyrate around a dude in a fitted hat with gold teeth!) I myself even witnessed a Video Ho employment bulletin down at LCC once, it read "Kanye West Is Looking For The Ladies Of The Midwest" aka "The Hoes Down South and in NYC are Too Damn Expensive". Now in terms of expense is also where I have located a means for telling how rich a rapper is. Aka the higher quantity and ahem quality of the Hoes in question is directly proportional to how much cheddar he's sittin' on. Let's take a look at Jay-Z. I don't think he's the most affluent rapper in the world but he's damn close, and take a look at the chicks in his videos pre-Beyonce (these days she'll beat his ass if he even looks at any other girls,trust me she used to run that shit on me all the time). I'd say that on average every girl in there is at least a 7. Then look at Dizzee Rascal's first video "I Luv U" (google it,I'm being lazy). The dude has only one girl in the whole thing, and she's fully clothed wearing some sort of British raincoat thing. And aside from some tongue flicking she doesn't do anything remotely suggestive. However he's got no shortage of Video Homies,which points to my earlier theory that they're dudes he went to high skool with. Then fast forward a year or two and watch "Stand Up Tall". Video Hoes everywhere as well as reeums,cristal,a barbershop etc. Because being the UK's number one rapper pays pretty well apparently. In between we have "Jus A Rascal" where he's got tons of girls but none of them scantily clad enough to qualify for Video Ho status,though I did fall in love with one of them to Giselle's dismay (Pistons jersey,graffiti hat,blue hoop earrings). It's apparent in this video that Dizzee has just become not broke because he's wearing an expensive ass leather with NBA patches on it and a belt buckle with his name on it. Take it from a certified Po' White Cracka, if you give poor people money without guidance they're gonna do really stupid shit with it. Anybody that lives in the Redneck Ghetto knows what I mean, right after Bush sent everybody $600 or whatever the whole town looked like a po' white rap video,rims etc. And I'm out